Stop Asking People If They're Saved

Michaelangelo's Pieta in St. Peter's Basilica

“’There is one thing more that troubles me,’ I said. ‘Most persons know the exact moment when they begin real Christian lives. But I do not know of any such time in my history. This causes me many uneasy moments.’” – Stepping Heavenward, Elizabeth Prentiss

This quote perfectly sums up the confusion I went through in junior high. Because of the prevalence of how-to-get-saved tracts in my childhood that had a standard prayer written out in the end, I really thought I was supposed to say that exact prayer before I could call myself a Christian.

I believe this is a deception from Satan. Making us focus on some arbitrary milestone in the past distracts us from the present – from asking if we are consecrating ourselves to God in the here and now.

The response to this worry in Stepping Heavenward follows on the same page: “I believe that the children of Christian parents, who have been judiciously trained, rarely can point to any day or hour when they began to live this new life. The question is not, Do you remember, my child, when you entered this world and how? It is simply this: Are you now alive and an inhabitant thereof?”

This is why I think we should stop asking people, “Are you saved?” Or worse, “Have you been saved?” A better question would be, “Do you love and follow Jesus?” The focus of the question is in the present, not the past. It also reminds us that our God is a personal entity, not just a get-out-of-hell-free card.

Unfortunately, there will be many who fall into thinking they are saved when they do not know God. Matthew 7:21-23 says, “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’” These people may have indeed done good works in the name of Jesus, but only for their own selfish gain and not because they have submitted themselves as living sacrifices to God.

A young person may not know themselves well enough to be sure whether or not they love God. That is all right; the teenage years are a tempestuous phase, and often full of conflicting advice. I must once again draw wisdom from Stepping Heavenward. In the book, Dr. Cabot, the pastor, asks four questions of the confused young protagonist:

1. Do you feel that you love God?

2. Do you like to be with God, in His loving presence?

3. Do you like to hear others praise the Lord?

4. Do you try to do things to please God?

If the answer to any of those questions is yes, there is some love for God somewhere in a person, though it might be new and fragile. After his questions (the last of which was the only one the protagonist answered with a yes), Dr. Cabot proceeds to say, “You cannot prove to yourself that you love God by examining your feelings toward Him. They are indefinite and they fluctuate. But just as far as you obey Him, just so far, depend upon it, you love Him. It is not natural to us sinful, ungrateful human beings to prefer His pleasure to our own or to follow His way instead of our own way, and nothing, nothing but love of Him can or does make us obedient to Him.”

Indeed! Jesus himself said in John 14, “If you love me, you will obey what I command,” and again, “If anyone love me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching.”

I think we have shied so far away from legalism that we forget that obedience is evidence of love for God.

Paul commanded the Philippians, “Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling.” James said, “Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead...Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that – and shudder.” Yes, we are saved by grace through faith alone, but what good is a belief if it doesn’t impact the rest of your life? If you truly believe that Jesus, Lord of the universe, loves you so much that He took the penalty for your sins so that he could buy you back from the devil, how could you live in indifference?

Reciting a script to ensure one’s salvation does not lead to heart change – only a living relationship with the Almighty can do that. It wasn’t until four or five years later that I began to understand what a relationship with my Creator meant. I met God, and my attitudes about friendships, romance, and academics all improved considerably. No longer did I live looking down at others who were less mature or less intelligent. No longer did I believe that a romance would fulfill my life while simultaneously clinging to a fear of vulnerability. No longer did I think that academics would ultimately determine my success in life.

None of that change came from reciting a tract’s prayer. It was the belief that God loved me, that He took my punishment on Himself, and that He wanted a close relationship with me that changed my life. Sure, I know I’m going to be with God in heaven after I die, but for now He is with me on earth. Obedience to God has kept me from a few destructive choices: eating disorders, alcohol abuse, carelessly giving my body to another. Understanding the personal aspects of Christianity was the biggest factor in my spiritual formation as a teen, and merely asking, “Are you saved?” overlooks those aspects.

Let’s ask more concrete questions: “Do you love God?” “Do you know that God loves you?” “Do you believe that Jesus took the punishment for your sins so you could be with God?” They’re not as tidy as “Are you saved?” and would likely lead to some interesting discussions, but that’s okay. Faith isn’t a tidy subject. Christians, and especially Christian leaders, should not be afraid to ask difficult questions. Especially when someone’s eternal fate is at stake.

Pauline's Bookshelf: Stepping Heavenward

I'd use book covers for these posts, but copyright law is kind of convoluted and I don't want a DCMA notice.

Stepping Heavenward was a lovely read! It’s a fictional diary by Elizabeth Prentiss, following the life of a girl named Katherine Mortimer. One of my mentors gave it to me during a phase I went through where I was rather caught up in trivial worries of this world. In my journal I wrote of it, “This book is such an encouragement! A delightful breath of air, relieving such a sense of suffocation – and I have only reached chapter seven.” Part of this “sense of suffocation” came from being mired in the filth of some exceedingly worldly books I was attempting to analyze. When a Christian is entrenched in a field of godless thinking, they can only feel suffocated and depressed – which is what happened to me.

Now that you know where I was when I started reading Stepping Heavenward, let me tell you some of my favorite parts of the book!

My first realization that I would enjoy this read came when I saw the frivolity and impulsivity of the protagonist, sixteen-year-old Katherine Mortimer, or Katy. (“How dreadfully old I am getting! Sixteen!”) Though Katy is a fictional character, she is more genuine than some girls I know, including myself. This book is set in the 1830s-1850s, but young Katy has much in common with teenage girls of today: a tendency to oversleep, a fierce devotion to her BFF, and even a messy bun as her go-to lazy hairdo. I didn’t know messy buns were a thing back then!

But aside from her lighthearted thoughts (or “levity,” as she would call it – this book was published in the 1800s, after all), young Katy also struggles with how to live the Christian life. She promises herself she’ll pray more, control her temper, and exercise the discipline of self-denial, but this doesn’t work and she constantly berates herself for her failings. After an honest conversation with her pastor, Dr. Cabot, in which Katy admits she doesn’t know if she loves God or not, she still doesn’t have all the answers. And that is okay. Many people who grew up in Christian homes could relate to this conversation – when one has been raised by judicious Christian parents, says Dr. Cabot, one cannot identify a turning point in their lives in which they turned to God. “The question is not whether you ever gave yourself to God, but whether you are His now.”

I know what this is like. When I was eleven, I thought I wasn’t saved because I never recited that prayer that’s always printed on tracts. So I snagged a friend at church and asked her to lead me through it. Looking back, I don’t think I understood anything at all! I didn’t truly fall in love with Jesus until I was fourteen and had read Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy, which presented our Lord in an intensely personal way.

As Katy comes to the same understanding I found, her joy fills the pages. But she has to learn contentment by the only means possible: sorrow. The loss of family and friends, a broken engagement, and poor health give Katy plenty of reason to mourn – and to seek out her Savior. The journal spans twenty-seven years and ends on an overwhelmingly enraptured tone in the midst of chronic illness: “Yes, I love everybody! That crowning joy has come to me at last. Christ is in my soul; He is mine; I am as conscious of it as that my husband and children are mine; and His Spirit flows forth from mine in the calm peace of a river whose banks are green with grass and glad with flowers. If I die, it will be to leave a wearied and worn body and a sinful soul to go joyfully to be with Christ, to weary and to sin no more. If I live, I shall find much blessed work to do for Him. So living or dying, I shall be the Lord’s.”

True to the style of the era, the writing is verbose and decidedly untweetable, but I’ll try to pick the more succinct of my favorite lines:

“[Mother says] I am growing careless about my hair and my dress. But that is because my mind is so full of graver, more important things. I thought I ought to be wholly occupied with my duty to God. But Mother says duty to God includes duty to one’s neighbor and that untidy hair, put up in all sorts of rough bunches, rumpled cuffs and collars, and all that sort of thing make one offensive to all one meets.” (Chapter IV)

 “Moral – Mothers occasionally know more than their daughters do.” (Chapter V)

“Duty looks more repelling at a distance than when fairly faced and met.” (Chapter VI)

“It is not optional with God’s children whether they will pay Him a part of the price they owe Him and keep back the rest. He asks, and He has a right to ask, for all you have and all you are.” (Chapter VI)

“One need not be fanatical in order to be religious.” (Chapter VII)

“The only true way to live in this world, constituted just as we are, is to make all our employments subserve the one great end and aim of existence, namely, to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.” (Chapter VII)

Many of my favorite quotes are from the earlier chapters of the book, when Katy is around my age and I relate most to her then. Later chapters tell of her dealings with the disappointments in married life, difficult in-laws, and lessons learned in the crucible of motherhood – all things I have yet to experience, but I hope that the truths presented here will help me prepare myself for my future.

I give this book six out of five stars and recommend it to anyone struggling with how to live in a heaven-minded manner while dealing with earthly suffering.

Pauline's Bookshelf: The Hidden Art of Homemaking

I can only wish my bookshelf looked like this.

I really didn't want to read this book.

I'm no feminist, but..."homemaking"? Geez. This is 2016, people.

Nonetheless, I saw it on my best friend's bookshelf. I'd heard of it before, and my friend said it was good, so I borrowed it.

It sat on my dresser, untouched, for a few months. This book is probably full of stuff like how to tidy your house and how to cook food and how to sew your own clothes. (Never mind that I browse that kind of stuff on Pinterest. All. The. Time.)

Finally, one day, I looked at it and thought, "Aw, what the heck. I need to get it over with. Who says I should only read things that appeal to me?"

I am so glad I read it!

The Hidden Art of Homemaking by Edith Schaffer was much more enlightening, relatable, and relevant than I expected. I don't recall anything about cleaning house, actually - it's all about enriching one's home with creative living, or "hidden art," as Schaffer calls it.

I thought it would be written entirely to women, but Shaffer occasionally addresses men directly as well, since the principles apply to both genders. "It is true that all men are created in the image of God, but Christians are supposed to be conscious of that fact, and being conscious of it should recognize the importance of living artistically, aesthetically, and creatively, as creative creatures of the Creator."

Even more, I was surprised when Shaffer called out young women who were waiting for a husband to come along before they would make the effort to express themselves: "If you *stop* putting off homemaking until your hope of marriage develops into a reality, and *start* to develop an interesting home right now, it seems to me two things will happen: first, you will develop into the person you could be as you surround yourself with things that express your own tastes and ideas; and second, as you relax and become interested in areas of creativity, you will develop into a more interesting person to be with." And I had come to this book thinking it would be a manual for young married women to establish their household. I'm really glad I'm wrong. We need more of this sort of sensibility in the world!

Shaffer's book has 14 chapters on topics ranging from gardening, to food, even to the environment and conservation. It's hard for me to pick my favorite chapters, because I learned something new in all of them, but those three in particular stood out. I especially love what she said in the chapter on food: "Food cannot take care of spiritual, psychological and emotional problems, but the feeling of being loved and cared for, the actual comfort of the beauty and flavour of food, the increase of blood sugar and physical well-being, help one to go on during the next hours better equipped to meet the problems."

What I realized is that my notion of homemaking involved chores - sweeping, dusting, dishes. But these are merely housekeeping - maintaining a state of order. Making a home is an entirely different matter. A hospital is in an excellent state of order and cleanliness (hopefully), but I don't think I'd ever feel at home in one.

Making a home is allowing your living space to express who you are. I've grown up with a lot of clutter, which I guess is why I didn't always feel like I was at home - there were too many things I clung to that did not express who I was, and I often felt like I needed to go somewhere else to express myself. The Hidden Art of Homemaking helped me understand what I needed to do: get rid of things I don't use or want, and learn to express my creativity in the comforts of my own home.

The old Pauline: "I'm going to hang on to this tub of yarn in case I ever learn how to knit. I'm going to hang on to these markers because they could come in handy. I'm going to hang on to these old clothes I don't really like because...because, um...I don't care if they get dirty doing farm work."

The new Pauline: "I have had this yarn since I was a child and I have never learned how to knit - I'd rather be designing dresses and learning to sew! I don't ever color with these markers - pencil is the medium I'm familiar with, and watercolors are the medium I'm interested in. Why should I do farm work in ugly clothes? I can at least choose sturdy clothes that I like to wear."

(The exception to the ugly work clothes rule is if I work on my car. Then it's jeans and an old shirt!)

"It seems to me that whether it is recognized or not, there is a terrific frustration which increases in intensity and harmfulness as time goes on, when people are always daydreaming of the kind of place in which they would like to live, yet never making the place where they do live into anything artistically satisfying to them. Always to dream of a cottage by a brook while never doing anything to the stuffy house in the city is to waste creativity in this very basic area, and to hinder future creativity by not allowing it to grow and develop through use."

I would recommend this book to anyone who feels stifled in our fast-paced, prepackaged, screen-infused world.

Pauline's Bookshelf: Autopsy of a Deceased Church

"Springtime" by Claude Monet

I’ve been in a sort of intermission in life, waiting for the next term of college to start so I can proceed with education for a career change. During this time, I’ve been trying to read – not for entertainment, but for the improvement of my mind. A survey of my bookshelf showed me that I had lots of books that I picked up out of interest, but which I had not yet read. I thought I’d start a new series and share what I’ve been learning.

So here I am, with a few thoughts about Thom Rainer’s Autopsy of a Deceased Church. It’s a short book (102 pages) and very readable. I’d originally picked it up after hearing an apologetics forum lecture by Eric Barger on how postmodernism is infecting the church (I highly recommend you look him up too, by the way), and I wanted to know what warning signs of a church’s demise looked like. This book is an expansion of a blog post Rainer wrote in 2013, so I'll spare you the list and instead let you check it out over here.

The point that made an impression on me is the problem of a congregation not praying together. How can one expect a church to grow at all when it is not engaging in serious prayer? Sure, someone likely prays a blessing over the meal at church potlucks, but Rainer asks, “Is that really a meaningful time of prayer? Do you think that’s how the New Testament church prayed?” This is a personal challenge for me as well, since I’m still learning the discipline of prayer.

Related to the topic of prayer, at the end of each chapter is a “Prayer Commitment,” which are brief sections that contain what points to pray about specifically for your church. I appreciate this, because it’s a reminder that church health begins with the members who ought to be praying for and building up the church. Remember, we’re a priesthood of believers (1 Peter 2:9), all meant to minister to one another, and one of those ways is through prayer to the Most High God.

There are also at the end of each chapter three questions for further thought and discussion, which are useful either for small group discussion or for personal pondering. In the last three chapters, Rainer also outlines four responses each to three different scenarios the reader may be facing: a church which is showing symptoms of sickness, a church which is very sick, and a church which is dying. All responses are simple and practical. However, this does not mean they are easy, especially in the case of the very sick church that must pray for strength to make drastic changes and the dying church that may decide the best route is to disband and hand over the facilities to a growing church.

I would give this book a 4 out of 5 stars and recommend it to anyone who is concerned about some of the things they see in their church (I will warn you, it may prove to you that you have nothing to worry about) and definitely to everyone who is in church leadership in any capacity.

Some Scriptures on Persecution

Nero's Torches, Henryk Siemiradzki. An inscription on the frame reads: ET LUX IN TENEBRIS LUCET ET TENEBRAE EAM NON COMPREHENDERUNT.

Yesterday morning I realized, with some horror, that I never actually learned the names of the Christians who died at Umpqua Community College back in October, nor did I know the names of the 21 who were beheaded by ISIS nearly a year ago.

Lest they be forgotten in our fast-paced world, here they are:

Umpqua CC shooting deaths: Lucero Alcaraz, age 19; Treven Taylor Anspach, 20; Rebecka Ann Carnes, 18; Quinn Glen Cooper, 18; Kim Saltmarsh Dietz, 59; Lucas Eibel, 18; Jason Dale Johnson, 34; Lawrence Levine, 67; Sarena Dawn Moore, 44.

Those beheaded on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea by ISIS: Hani Abdel Messihah, 32; Yousef Shoukry, 24; Towadros Yousef, 42; Maged Suleiman Shahata, 40; Milad Maken Zaky; Abanub Ayad Atiya; Kirollos Shokry Fawzy; Bishoy Astafanus Kamel; Malak Ibrahim Sinweet; Girgis Milad Sinweet; Mina Fayez Aziz; Samuel Alham Wilson; Samuel Astafanus Kamel; Ezat Bishri Naseef; Loqa Nagaty Anees; Munir Gaber Adly; Esam Badir Samir; Malak Farag Abram; Sameh Salah Farug; Girgis Sameer Maglee; Matthew Ayairga.

The image of 21 men, clad in orange jumpsuits, kneeling in line on a beach with knife-wielding ISIS members behind them – it still haunts me, even after nearly a year. They are far from the only ones who have paid for their faith with their lives.

It reminds me of Revelation 6, where we see the reason for the judgments God is hurling to earth:

“When he opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain because of the word of God and the testimony they had maintained. They called out in a loud voice, “How long, Sovereign Lord, holy and true, until you judge the inhabitants of the earth and avenge our blood?” Then each of them was given a white robe, and they were told to wait a little longer, until the number of their fellow servants and brothers who were to be killed as they had been was completed.” (Rev. 6:9-11)

God is just, and vengeance belongs to him alone. We see later in Revelation that God exacts justice on those who still refuse his authority: locusts with a sting as painful as a scorpion’s are released upon the earth to harm “only those people who did not have the seal of God on their foreheads” and “during those days men will seek death...but death will elude them” (Rev. 9:3-6). But God is still merciful; in not permitting anyone to die during that time, he is still giving humanity a chance to look to Christ and be saved. In not permitting anyone to die an earthly death, he also keeps them from facing eternal death in hell. I am not the first to say this: how severe are God’s mercies!

But what of his own children? If God is loving and merciful, why must his children suffer? What is our attitude to be, as humble servants of the Most High?

In response to being flogged by the Sanhedrin (the Jewish legal court) for preaching Christ, the apostles “left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name.”

Rejoicing! They saw their persecution as a privilege.

And that is not all: “Day after day, in the temple courts and from house to house, they never stopped teaching and proclaiming the good news that Jesus is the Christ” (Acts 5:41-42). They never stopped!

Peter, who was one of the apostles flogged at this trial, passes on this attitude: “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.” (1 Pet. 4:12-13)

Paul describes some of his perspective on suffering in his letter to the Philippians:

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things...I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.” (Php. 3:7-8, 10)

Both of these men do not shirk from persecution for their faith; they embrace it. “Fellowship of sharing in his sufferings.” I’ve been wrestling with this concept for at least a year or two, and perhaps I will continue to do so for many years more. When our friends mourn, do we not mourn with them? Why should it be any different with Jesus?

Again, if God is loving and merciful, why must his own children suffer too, and be thankful for it? Why is persecution such a privilege to these writers?

We find our answer in Romans 8: “The Spirit himself testified with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs – heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” (Rom. 8:16-17)

I hope these Scriptures bring you encouragement. It is hard to see the glory in the midst of suffering, but that is where faith – the assurance of things hoped for – comes in. These brave martyrs have run the race in faith and shared in Christ’s death, and are now rejoicing in his glorious presence. Their faithfulness has been rewarded with the crown of life (Rev. 2:8-11). May their examples compel us to live out our faith boldly, especially because many of us are in a part of the world where we have the liberty to do so without fear of arrest or execution.

How have these martyrs challenged you in your faith? What lessons have you had to learn through suffering? Have you seen this as an opportunity to draw closer to the Lord? And how can you pray for your brothers and sisters in the faith who are suffering severe persecution?

Legalize Gay Marriage? Sure. Embrace It? No.

Currently the Supreme Court is debating a case which has been called “the Roe vs. Wade of marriage” and which concerns Ohio’s ban on gay marriage. If Ohio’s ban is lifted, this may lead to federal legalization of gay marriage in all 50 states.

Fine. Do it.

If our society is at this point, making it legal or illegal won’t make a difference in the level of immorality. The root of the problem is in society, not in the laws. As Christians, we really need to wake up and realize that we can’t legislate godly lifestyles. So if that’s what our society wants, then that’s their vote; legalize it.

Would I support that decision, as a Christian? No, for a variety of reasons. The homosexual lifestyle is incredibly damaging to health. Children raised by gay or lesbian couples miss out on having a mom or a dad. Worst of all, rebelling against God’s design invites God’s judgment. Romans 1 talks about this:

“The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them…For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles. Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another…Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another… Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed, and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, and malice.”

Seems harsh? Well, yes. Truth isn’t always easy to swallow. What this passage (which I recommend you read in full) is describing is what it looks like when humans reject God; God says, “Okay!” and they get what they think they want, which is life devoid of God, his design, and his goodness. Sometimes the worst consequence God can give us is letting us go our own sinful way.

Does this mean it’s time to get our signs and join Westboro in hateful demonstrations? Good heavens, NO! God doesn’t like giving out judgment, but his just nature demands that punishment be dealt out for sins. He is sad when people choose selfishness instead of him, but because he loves us and respects our free will, he’s not going to force his goodness on people who don’t want it.

So how can we, as Christ’s ambassadors, respond to homosexuality?

We’ve got a few options:

- Join Westboro picketers (see above)

- Completely avoid the topic, and rightfully earn the label “homophobe”

- Embrace homosexuality in the church

- Address the issue with grace and truth

Avoiding the issue is immature and cowardly, while embracing homosexuality as acceptable disregards the truth and, when you consider the consequences, not very loving. But finding the balance of grace and truth can be difficult for many.

A story may help here.

---

At dawn Jesus appeared again in front of the church, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The seminary professors and fundamentalists brought in a woman caught in homosexual behavior. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of sodomy. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the concrete with some chalk. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

---

Well, what do you think?

“Hey, she just took that one passage of debatable reliability out of John and changed a few words to make it more modern.”

Or perhaps you’re thinking I’m a heretic for making the issue Jesus dealt with homosexuality instead of adultery. I shall counter that with the fact that both call for the death penalty in the Mosaic Law, and both are sexual sins. The point is that while Jesus let her go, he told her at the end to leave her life of sin. He didn’t tell her that what she did was okay, he just made it clear that she wouldn’t be condemned for it. Jesus showed the adulteress mercy and called her to make different choices. He gave her a chance for repentance and redemption.

We don’t need to condemn sinners, fortunately, or we’d be too busy pointing fingers at each other; condemnation is God’s job. However, as Christians, we are to be the salt of the earth, and part of that duty is to exhort sinners to repent. We certainly should vote no on legalizing gay marriage, if that is our conviction, but we must recognize that if the votes are cast and the majority says yes, there’s a bigger problem that runs deeper than our state legislatures. Let us therefore go out and make disciples, and be a city on a hill shining with the hope that comes from the Lord.

Thoughts on Godly Romance, Part 4: Back to the Source

High school sweethearts, ready for prom!

Part 1: Courtship? More Like Legalism!
Part 2: Dealing With the Reality of Sin
Part 3: Putting Romance In Its Place

Amazed at how extreme Umstattd’s post was, I dusted off my copy of Harris’ infamous book and reread it. I am now under the impression that Umstattd and his circle of courters read mainly the title and skimmed a few pages in the book, then promptly left most of it unread, because nowhere in the entire 230-page book does Joshua Harris advocate no dating, or dating only in groups or with chaperones. In fact, at the very beginning (on page 13), he makes two things abundantly clear:

“1. I do not believe that dating is sinful. Some people have sinned as a result of dating, but I don’t think anyone can accurately say that dating in and of itself is a sinful activity.”

“2. Rejecting typical dating does not mean you’ll never spend time alone with a guy or a girl. There’s a difference between the act of going on a date and dating as a way of thinking about and approaching romantic relationships…I won’t say that it’s never appropriate to spend time alone with someone. At the right time in a relationship, if the motive is clear and the setting avoids temptation, going on a date can be healthy.”

Joshua Harris does not advocate an impractical theory of how to go from zero to married happily ever after; rather, he approaches romance with God’s design of marriage in mind. God didn’t make men and women for recreational relationships. (Tweet this.) The world may not know that, but Christians do (at least, they should). As a result, the way we handle romantic pursuits should reflect sobriety and respect for the other person as well as for God and his commands. This is not to say that Christian romance is full of dour-faced theologians who regard one another coolly; rather, it lacks the flippancy and selfishness that is all too common in the world’s cheap knockoff of romance. The latter is full of broken hearts and confusion, but the former should be filled with joy. I shall go so far as to say that kind of joy can only thrive in a relationship that begins with soberly placing it under the submission of Christ. (Tweet this.)

I say this simply because it’s what I’ve experienced. I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye in middle school. Being a middle schooler, I took an imbalanced interpretation of it similar to Umstattd’s, though by high school I was concerned with other things and mostly forgot about it. When a good guy friend asked me out at the end of our junior year, I said no initially, and then proceeded to grill him. For weeks. I asked him what he believed about God, about the Bible, about marriage, about courtship, about family, about career, about his character. I had figured that by that point, our friendship was strong enough to withstand such a thing, though looking back I’m surprised I didn’t scare him off. I tend to be pretty blunt, especially with questions like those. Anyway, we’ve been dating for a couple of years now with the intent of marriage and all is, for the most part, well.

In I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris identifies what he calls “the seven habits of highly defective dating.” I agree with what he says, and I shall share my own experience in dealing with each of them:

“1. Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily commitment.”

Shortly before my dear friend ever asked me out, I’d decided I was done giving my heart away to guys who didn’t reciprocate my feelings. What does giving your heart away look like? You might think it’s only when you’re spending all your conversations gushing about your feelings, but it’s much simpler and subtler than that. I spent a great deal of time in my early teens obsessing over my crushes. I thought about them all the time, hyperanalyzed anything and everything they said to me, and wrote stupid letters explaining how I felt. Unfortunately, a few of those actually got delivered (I think).

So by the time my junior year was starting to wrap up, I realized how much emotional energy I was wasting and decided that whoever I might end up dating had to make the first move AND had to be of godly character. He also had to have the intent of finding out whether or not we were fit to be married to each other in dating; I didn’t think dating for fun would be conducive to guarding my heart. So when my dear friend broached the area of romance, I made sure he had the goal of marriage in mind before I agreed to date him.

“2. Dating tends to skip the ‘friendship’ stage of a relationship.”

I had no problem there; we became good friends over the course of a year, having many things in common and having most of our classes together every day. Personally, I’m not sure how you can find anyone dateable until after you know a few things about their personality and character.

“3. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.”

Which is why at the very beginning we agreed on a hands-off approach until we were married. Now that we’re further on and progressing in our relationship, we’ve determined that kisses are ok when we’re engaged.

This is important because of brain chemistry. When you start a new relationship, your brain goes into infatuation mode for about 12-18 months. During this time, you see the person through rose-colored glasses. If you ramp up physical involvement early on, your judgment becomes even more clouded and those rose-colored glasses start filtering out red flags.

“4. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships.”

This had the opposite effect for me; I became good friends with some of the people my sweetheart knew and my current friendships got stronger, partly because dating this particular fellow helped me realize that I’d learned some unhealthy relationship dynamics while I was growing up. I also found his mother a delightful Christian lady who has been a positive influence in my life. Regarding my own parents, they chose not to get too involved; when asking my dad if I was allowed to date or not, he said, “I don’t care; do whatever you want.” (That made me realize that I was an adult who was directly accountable to God. Then I realized what it meant to fear the Lord.)

Anyway, all this had to do with intentionality. If I had only dated him so that I might have a shot at fulfilling my hopes for a fairytale, I would have focused entirely on him and everything else would have been irrelevant to me. However, I wanted to know more about his character, so I got to know his family and friends, to see what sort of people he hung out with. I asked his mom how he treated her, and whether or not he was the same person at home that he was at school.

“5. Dating, in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for their future.”

I would say that, marriage being part of most people’s adulthood, finding a suitable spouse is an important part of preparing for that future.

That being said, it was the prospect of marriage that made me, a college dropout, wake up and realize, “Agh! I need to get a job!” Weddings are expensive, and so is the cost of living apart from your parents.

“6. Dating can cause discontentment with God’s gift of singleness.”

Hm. We are created to have a lifelong companion in marriage; as I’ve gotten older and college and the working life has brought distance to many of my friendships, I find myself grateful that God offers us such a gift. At the same time, there is much freedom to be had in singleness. I can serve others more freely because I don’t have a husband to be home for or a family to take care of. Knowing that there may be only two or three years left before I marry has got me in service mode: I’ve only got a limited amount of time that I can freely give without the priority of a spouse, so I’ve launched myself into serving my church’s youth group. I can stay late nights cleaning up after a bunch of teenagers because I don’t have a husband who would like to see me after a hard day of work; likewise, I can go on mission trips easily because I don’t have a family who will sorely miss my presence for practical and social reasons.

“7. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person’s character.”

Again, we were friends before we considered each other romantically, so we never had the issue of putting on our best face when around the other person. I have also observed that homeschooled kids are more vulnerable and wear their heart on their sleeve, while public schoolers, due to the harsher social environment they live in, are much harder to get to know because they are so used to putting up a protective barrier between themselves and others. As former homeschoolers, my sweetheart and I are pretty open about how we think and feel about things.

I have a wonderful relationship with my high school sweetheart and couldn’t ask God for anything more. However, the reason for our strong relationship is not because we read books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye and applied its message religiously to our lives, but because we looked to the Creator of romance for guidance. When you submit yourself to Christ’s lordship and seek to please him in the way you live your life, you reap the blessings of obedience. (Tweet this.)