Thoughts on Godly Romance, Part 1: Courtship? More Like Legalism!

I recently had the singular experience of reading Thomas Umstattd’s long blog post on why dating is so superior to that fundamentally flawed institution known as courtship. Like me, he’s a former homeschooler, so I really, really wanted to like what he wrote, but there were a couple of things that disturbed me in his article. Here are a few:

-His legalistic approach to relationships

-His extreme naiveté about our hypersexualized culture

-His idolization of dating, even to the level of salvation

Those are the major things. There were also a few minor things that scared me, like the announcement at the end that said, “This post is turning into a book!”

There have been a couple of responses already written to Umstattd’s post, such as one by Scott Ross and another on Boundless, but none of the ones I read have addressed it from the perspective I am writing from. Let’s just dive right in to part one.

The first major problem I noticed was Umstattd’s strong legalism. In a response post, he later claimed that he does not advocate a legalistic approach to relationships. However, I must point out that he mentions nothing of consulting God through prayer in the process of finding a spouse, and he does not consult what the Scriptures say about marriage and how we ought to treat one another. Any approach lacking such an important relational element while attempting to maintain purity will eventually dissolve into legalism. (Tweet this.) Guess what? Legalism is one of the reasons he calls courtship ‘fundamentally flawed’:

“The deal was that if we put up with the rules and awkwardness of courtship now we could avoid the pain of divorce later. The whole point of courtship was to have a happy marriage, not a high divorce rate.”

Really? The whole point of courtship is to have a happy marriage? Not to serve God and submit your budding romance to his Lordship? There is no guarantee that a marriage may be happy. Personal baggage aside, difficulties regarding health, finances, and child-rearing may put inordinate amounts of strain on a marriage. A couple who is consciously choosing to submit to Christ and obey his command to love one another will have the grace to make it through the trials of life. A couple who enters such trials thinking that they earned their fairytale because they courted will be in for a sore awakening, and might not pass through unscathed.

And what is this about ‘putting up with rules’? Does his circle of courters have strict rules about things like kisses, holding hands, and how closely a chaperone has to follow them? And this is considered a godly relationship model? When you try to live out a godly relationship with rules set by anything other than Scripture and your own personal convictions, you are trying to make a relationship godly by your own power – NOT by relying on the power of Christ.

I submit to you that Umstattd’s approach to romance is fundamentally flawed. Rules do not a deep relationship make. (Tweet this.) This applies not just to romance but also to our relationship with God. Hosea 6:6 says “For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgement of God rather than burnt offerings.” God doesn’t want your church attendance, your good behavior, and 10% of your income; he wants you. The former can be given without the latter, but the latter cannot be given without also the former.

What, then is the correct approach? Find a mate who shares the same values with you; being equally yoked is certainly important to the longevity of any relationship. Pray about it. Most importantly, entrust it to God. He is the creator of romance, after all; he will breathe fire and life in the fairytale he’ll bring you, if you allow him to do so. This applies even if you are called to be celibate; profound relational intimacy with the Lord our God is something that many people desire but not many have.

“But are we allowed to kiss? Are we allowed to do _____ before we’re married?” you may ask.

You are asking the wrong questions. How about this:

“How can we serve God and each other? Can we kiss innocently or is that something that would hinder our sanctification and exercise of self-control?” Those are marginally better, though I can’t say they’re the ultimate.

How about this: “What is the unselfish choice?” Get yourself in the habit of asking that, and you will daily realize how much you must fight against the natural inclinations of your sin nature. I asked myself that after a dear friend and companion asked me out on a date. I realized that the only reasons I had for saying no were selfish ones regarding fear of possible heartbreak, and I had plenty of good reasons to say yes. Someone else may have selfish reasons to say yes and plenty of good reasons to say no. You can’t put a formula on following God, and that includes relationship choices. (Tweet this.)

Enough of rambling on this; I’ve got two more posts to write before I forget what points I was going to make in them.